Fidel and Raul Castro Dead; Pope Involved
The lives of brothers Fidel and Raul Castro ended tragically late at night on Easter Sunday as a result of a heated argument between the two long-time rulers of Cuba.
Although the Cuban government has yet to announce these deaths, a Vatican spokesman, Monsignor Enzo Strappalatto, revealed that the incident occurred around midnight, Havana time (6 am in Rome).
Monsignor Strappalatto would only provide the press with a brief summary of events: “Fidel Castro shot his brother Raul and then turned the gun on himself after a heated argument. All of this occurred while His Holiness Pope Francis I was administering the Sacrament of Penance to the former Cuban President via Skype.”
Independent sources in Havana have confirmed the deaths and provided a few more details.
Apparently – according to sources who wish to remain nameless – Raul Castro became incensed when he tapped into the Skype session and heard his brother say that the Revolution was an abject failure, that he repented of all of the crimes he had committed against the Cuban people, and that he wanted the Pope to oversee a free election in Cuba and a transition to democracy and benevolent capitalism.
The President immediately rushed over to the former President’s house, barged into the room and began arguing with his older brother and the Pope. When Raul reached for a pistol and threatened to shoot his older brother, Fidel pulled out a handgun of his own and fired five shots at Raul, killing him instantly. Fidel then turned the gun on himself, and, despite the Pope’s pleas, blew his brains out with a single shot to the temple.
Remarkably, both brothers uttered the same last words: “hijo de puta”
At the Vatican, Monsignor Strappalatto was quick to point out that even if he had received absolution, Fidel Castro nullified his general confession by murdering his brother and taking his own life.