Breaking news: Fidel and Raul Castro Dead; Mariela Now In Charge
Fidel and Raul Castro were both killed today while counting all of the gold coins stashed away at Fidel's Punto Cero mansion.
The coins were about to be loaded on a truck headed for the port of Mariel, where a North Korean ship waited patiently.
The coins were supposed to leave the port of Mariel three days ago, with Switzerland as their ultimate destination, but a delay in counting them prevented their timely departure.
Fidel kept losing track of the count and had to start over repeatedly.
Irritated with his older brother, Raul began shouting insults at him, including "mariconazo" and "viejuco mongo de mierda."
Fidel responded by throwing his colostomy bag at Raul.
Raul retaliated by strangling Fidel, but, just as he choked the life out of him, one of Fidel's body guards shot Raul in the back of the head.
A teary Mariela Castro relayed the sad news to the Cuban people on all television channels at 11 a.m. this morning.
She also announced that she would be assuming control of the island nation, and that her first act as Maximum Leader would be to change all the stripes on the Cuban flag to rainbow colors and to replace the star within the triangle to a dollar sign.
In a related story, at 11:35 this morning Venezuelan president Nicolas Maduro announced that he had been visited by two vultures who urged him to wipe out all protesters as soon as possible.