Viernes Happy Hour

Val beat me to it, as I wanted to be the one to post the Friday funny.  Since we are only hearing bad news, and now we have even former presidents asking the current president to be more optimistic, I figured the time was right for some diversion sana.  I got this in my email this morning and I’m still laughing.  If you had any questions about the infamous stimulus we’ll be getting, here are some answers:

Stimulus Payment Info.

“This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic  Stimulus Payment. This is a
Very exciting new program that I will explain  using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic  Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will  send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this  money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is  giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What  is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV
Set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

Read more

Babalu Psychology 101

freud

Happy Friday infidels. Today’s lesson in Babalu Psychology 101 is mental disorders. Please open your DSM IV to the following section:

Paranoid Personality Disorder

A pervasive distrust and suspiciousness of others such that their motives are interpreted as malevolent, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

Suspects, without sufficient basis, that others are exploiting, harming, or deceiving him or her.

Is preoccupied with unjustified doubts about the loyalty or trustworthiness of friends or associates.

Is reluctant to confide in others because of unwarranted fear that the information will be used maliciously against him or her.

Reads hidden demeaning or threatening meanings into benign remarks or events persistently bears grudges, i.e., is unforgiving of insults, injuries, or slights.

Perceives attacks on his or her character or reputation that are not apparent to others and is quick to react angrily or to counterattack.

Has recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding fidelity of spouse or sexual partner.

Does not occur exclusively during the course of Schizophrenia, a Mood Disorder With Psychotic Features, or another Psychotic Disorder and is not due to the direct physiological effects of a general medical condition.

Note: If criteria are met prior to the onset of Schizophrenia, add “Premorbid,” e.g., “Paranoid Personality Disorder (Premorbid).”

Now with the above in mind. The individual with this condition may show signs of obsessive personality disorder as well.

The aforementioned disorder can be demonstrated, for example, where the subject may be watching a movie clip, and from that movie clip, develops psychotic ideas which thereby drive him to act in an abnormal manner. A subject may, for example, watch a movie western, say Blazing Saddles. Rather than viewing the comedic movie for what it is, the subject will become paranoid and will develop a fear that they are being chased by Slim Pickens with a hangman’s noose and will feel as if everyone is a bigot and hates him because of his appearance. The subject will also become delusional and will think that those that watch Blazing Saddles will arm themselves and go out on a random shooting rampage. Studies have shown that this psychotic reaction will be triggered primarily when exposed to western films. These individuals suffer from a lingering fear that someone or some group of people are out to get them thereby causing the subject to obsess with that particular group or individuals. While the subject may express a deep hatred with this particular group of people, which he believes are all co-conspirators with Slim Pickens, the subject still feels a strong desire to talk about this group every single day and blames all of his ills such as constipation, ulcers, hair loss, erectile dysfunction, and gas on his perceived enemies.

So your assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to describe the symptomatic behavior of a subject with Paranoid Personality Disorder when exposed to clips from the Magnificent 7 which is appended hereto.

Enjoy your weekend. Class Dismissed.

NEXT WEEK’S LESSON – The effects of “Bill & Ted” & Foghorn Leghorn on the mentally deranged.
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DISCLAIMER FOR THE MENTALLY UNSTABLE: The above condition is real. The rest is a joke. I made it up. This post is no way intended to advocate or make anyone commit acts of violence, have sex with collies, watch Rosie O’Donnell, or listen to the Village People. If you do experience some type of paranoid or psychotic behavior or hatred as a result of reading this post, please contact Dr. Phil immediately at www.drphil.com or drive yourself to the nearest liquor store or medical marijuana distributor (in California only).

Shocking New Discoveries from the University of Havana

Perez-Mono.jpg
Scientists at the University of Havana studying recent developments in evolutionary theory have announced a startling new discovery that could change forever, past conceptions of evolution and man’s development over the course of thousands of years.
Analyzing DNA samples obtained from Foreign Minister Felipe Perez-Roque, scientists have officially announced that the 42-year-old is in fact, the missing link connecting man to the apes, thus putting to rest, decades of rancor between evolutionists and creationists.

Yes, this is a joke – happy Friday.
-Anatasio Blanco

Insults with class

I love a good insult. Maybe it’s a result of watching Don Rickles too much on the Tonight Show growing up. So I’d like to share some of my favorites. Winston Churchill, God love ‘im, was a master at the putdown. So I’ll just direct the second insult on the list to a couple of local bloggers of my (virtual) acquaintance…

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” –Winston Churchill
  • “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” –Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” –Clarence Darrow
  • “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” –William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
  • “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” –Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
  • “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” –Moses Hadas
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” –Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” –George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” –Winston Churchill, in response
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” –John Bright
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” –Irvin S. Cobb
  • “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” –Samuel Johnson
  • “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” –Jack E. Leonard
  • “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” –James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
  • “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” –Charles, Count Talleyrand
  • “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” –Forrest Tucker
  • “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” –Mark Twain
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” –Mae West