You know who it is, don’t you? His t-shirts are found all over the world. On college campuses, at protests, at Union halls, even at rap concerts and Oscar Awards.
Yes, that’s right. Che Guevara is the World’s Greatest T-shirt Salesman. So much so that he’s opened up a new chain of superstores to rival those capitalist hegemons like WalMart and Big-K.
Yes! You read correctly! Look for the new Che-Mart opening soon in your local bourgeois shopping mall.
Not only will Che-Mart be carrying all of the World’s Greatest T-shirt Salesman’s wearables and merchandise, but the World’s Greatest T-shirt Salesman is a marketing genius. It’s not just about the clothes, you see. It’s all about the lifestyle:
To be like Che we must:
1. Disassociate ourselves from our trust-fund money and middle-class parents.
2. Attain the “I’ve been in the Amazon jungle for six weeks” look. Those clean clothes from Old Navy aren’t going to cut it. Rush out and buy a Che T-shirt first. A bedraggled combat jacket is also essential. Heavy boots are a must.
3. You’ve had your last wash buddy! From now on all forms of personal hygiene are to be abandoned. Haircuts are a thing of the past.
4. Induce Mom and Pop to buy an old, beat-up Volvo (something from the mid 80s should do). Your fellow revolutionaries dare not see you in the Lexus or the Infinity.
5. If you have to leave the revolution (campus) for a trip home to Mom and Pop (capitalist pigs), try sleeping in the basement or outside with the trash. Your revolutionary look must be kept up at all costs.
6. Endear yourself to your fellow revolutionaries by making up tall stories of a hard life under capitalist oppression. Something along the lines of “my father was small turd farmer in Nebraska until the Republicans ruined everything.”
7. Visit Starbucks not more than once a week. That stuff is expensive; you’re supposed to behave like a common peasant.
8. Never be seen leaving or entering the bank.
9. Diss America.
10. Develop a mild dependence on recreational substances.
11. Exhibit utter disdain for large corporations, such as, McDonalds (until you seek employment from one, in about five years). If Che were alive today he would be actively fighting against such an “enemy.”
12. Your Internet access is strictly for gathering information on the revolution.
13. While on spring break, practice revolutionary skills. Try to collapse the local government with your band of revolutionaries (drunken buffoons). Remember to bring MasterCard or Visa in case of bail.
Make sure to drop by your local Che-Mart, and bring plenty of yanqui imperialist capitalist dollars.