Miami Driving Tips – V

Fifth in a series with bonus definition.

In Miami, essential to the operation of a motor vehicle are the use of the cellphone, the application of cosmetics, the morning’s Sports Pages, the imbibement of caffeine or the consumption multiple breakfast burritos.

Main Entry: DAMTs (dumb-ass multi-taskers)

Function: noun

Dumb-ass multi-taskers (scientific name: multitaskus imbecilicus or dimwiticus periculosus) can be seen early in the morning on the streets and highways of Miami. The female specimens of this subgenus have been observed applying make-up while simultaneously talking on the cell phone — all the time attempting to keep their vehicle — a 3,000 pound ground-to-ground missle — within their own lane. They’ve also been observed attempting to control the vehicle while reading a book and again, talking to another DAMT on the cell phone. There have been sightings of the male gender of this subgenus using electric razors while attempting to drive, and eating a breakfast sandwich in one hand, controlling the automobile with the other, while trying to score a sip of coffee from a cardboard cup whose temperature is fifteen degrees below the boiling point of water.

Keep your distance from these creatures; they are aggressive and suicidal behind the wheel. Is it any wonder they don?t make 12 volt hair-dryers…

(H/T Jorge Blanco who wrote most of the definition.)

7 thoughts on “Miami Driving Tips – V”

  1. George,
    I am a candidate for your award. Twenty years ago I observed drivers in the “tapon” rush-hour traffic jams in San Juan, Puerto Rico, reading the newspaper while inching forward. I learned to do that. The trick is to keep the newspaper folded over at eye-level with the top of the steering wheel. I got real good at it and never had an accident or a ticket, but haven’t tried it since then.

  2. I’m definitely not a driving multi-tasker. If the phone rings, too bad — it rings until the voicemail picks up if I’m driving. I know my limitations, and the world is a better place for it.

Comments are closed.