To whom it may concern:

by

My Paypal account has not been compromised.

I’m not selling anything on Ebay.

I didn’t buy any lottery tickets.

I don’t have erectile dysfunction and don’t need any cheap “VIjAGRA.”

I don’t buy penny stocks.

I don’t want to help you retrieve your millions of dollars from the Central Bank of Nigeria (or any other African country).

So please STOP EMAILING ME.

Thank you,

Henry “Conductor” Gomez

9 thoughts on “To whom it may concern:”

  2. Haha. The culprit’s that hyper-linked email of yours on your blog man, and uh, well, spammers. Saludos.

  4. i, on the other hand, choose to be greatful

    To all of you who have sent me emails advising me of the following so I know it to be true:

    I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will
    change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill
    Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for
    participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

    I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
    actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
    feathers.

    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man
    along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

    I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

    And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup
    water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
    because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

    I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

    I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he’s told us how to fix everything.

    And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

    Oh, and don’t forget this one either!

    I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

    If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000
    people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s
    beautician…

    Have a wonderful day….

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