Been getting quite a bit of traffic via searches with “castro death” and “is castro dead” and “castro death rumors” the past couple of days so I thought I’d go ahead and clear that whole mess up right now.
Barring any unforeseen actions such as, say, breathing, for all intents and purposes, fidel castro is dead. And, should the case be that he is, in fact, still breathing, chances are that it’s only a “little” breathing or a clever rendition of the act of breathing and not real breathing in the real breathing scientific term of real breathing. There have been, however, unconfirmed reports of fidel castro actually breathing, but all have come with the caveat “he is breathing, but he’s certainly not inhaling.”
Thus, since fidel castro is not inhaling we can only come to two conclusions: he is either dead or he is, in fact, Bill Clinton. That latter notion is under investigation as not only are “both” men known for not inhaling, but for a particular fondness for long Cuban cigars, which are not necessarily meant for inhaling.
In summary, the rumors of fidel castro’s actual demise may be premature at this moment, but reports of his lack of inhalation have some skeptics convinced that he is in fact, technically not breathing in a respiratory sense, which leads this writer to conclude that yes, fidel castro is in fact, at least, respiratorily dead.
There are, however, rumors abounding that ADIDAS is secretly redesigning the Bionic Track Suit to not only control motor reactor functions to certain appendages, but to also simulate breathing with an added plus of inhalation where Oxygen (O2) is taken in and carbon-dioxide (CO2) is exhaled, thus aiding the photosynthetic process of genetically altered tobacco plants (Cuban seed, of course) which will be planted along the hems of the garment. There is no word as yet as to how ADIDAS plans to handle the Bionic Track Suit Tobacco harvesting and cigar rolling.
Batteries, however, will be included.
UPDATE: Just a few words of caution to all those visiting us anticipating news of the Cuban dictator’s demise: Dont bust out the champagne until it’s made official. Even if castro swims with the fishes as we speak, until there’s an official Cuban Government announcement we will not know with absolute certainty. This doesnt mean, though, that you cant start celebrating right now.
UPDATE II: While we all wait for official confirmation – which will only come when the Cuban government is good and ready – please take a minute or two to find out more about Cuba and the Independent Journalists incarcerated therein: