The Val Guide to Hurricane Preparedness

Since South Florida seems to be hurricane alley this year and there appears to be some kind of hurricane tournament going on, I figure I’d offer up a quick, easy guide to Hurricane Preparedness.
First, you need to gather the proper provisions and supplies, the following, by order of importance:
– Beer (three days supply, 2 cases)
– Cigarrettes (Three days supply, one carton)
– Beer (back up, por si las moscas emergency beers, minimum one 12 pack per person per day)
– Bottled water (three days supply, One gallon per person per day)
– Scotch (in case beer supplies are dwindled, one litre Black Label or equivalent)
– Cigarrettes (emergency stash)
– Gas generator (absolute must, powers refrigerator which keeps beer cold)
– Gasoline for generator (10 gallons per day)
– Oil for generator (one gallon minimum, SAE 30, or as required for your generator)
– extra generator spark plugs (because they dont always start when you want them to)
– Chef Boyardee Spaghetti-O’s (3 can minimum)
– Chef Boyardee Beefaronis (3 can minimum)
– Canned Black beans (El Ebro brand, 6 can minimum)
– Other canned goods (including one can of asparagus spears or beets which will remain in your cupboard for six years)
– Big bag of rice (to go with black beans)
– Chicken thighs (for emergency black-out arroz con pollo)
– Propane (for arroz con pollo propane camping stove)
– Beer (for a la correra arroz con pollo option)
– Ice (if you can find it)
– Mosquito repellant (because S. Fl. skeeters buzz around like German WWII Messerschmitt Me 209’s)
– Citronella torches (think of these as anti-aircraft guns)
– Citronella (at least one bottle per day, 3 day minimum)
– Truckload of batteries (various sizes)
– Candles (for when you cant find the batteries in the dark)
– Flashlights (minimum of six, as you will misplace them continuously)
– Munchies (including, but not limited to chips, nuts, crackers, assorted fruits, etc..)
– Dog food (biggest bag you can find)
– Gas powered chainsaw (if you have a tree laden yard, you’ll need it)
– Oil mix for chainsaw
– Extra chain saw chain (depending on hurricane category, divide by two)
– Work gloves (bouganvilleas have some major major thorns)
– First aid kit with plenty of bandaids (bouganvilleas have some major major thorns)
– Advil (biggest bottle you can find, bouganvilleas have some major major thorns)
– Beer (bouganvilleas have major major thorns)
– Chlorine for pool (2 – 2.5 gallon jugs per week)
– Medicine (whatever you take, get. If you self medicate, call your dealer now.)
– Fill propane tank for BBQ
– Lighters (at least a ten pack)
– Ammo (hollowpoints, all necessary calibers, min 50 rounds each. Black outs tend to make crooks a little braver)
Of course, depending on your own particular lifestyle and needs, you may need other items not mentioned above but never, ever, skimp on the beer, cigs and ammo.
Apart from battening down the hatches and preparing your home with shutters and what not, and picking up all possible hurricane projectiles from your yard, there are other preparations that need to be made:
– Make sure all your dishes and cooking crap is clean and easily accessible.
– Charge all your cell phones and extra cell batteries.
– Charge all your cordless tool batteries.
– Do all of your laundry (else you will run into issues)
– Dont pile all your backyard stuff all over the inside of the house. Walking around your home tired, bandaid and bouganvillea scratch laden, in the dark, with a beer buzz and short on laundry can be dangerous.
If you have elderly parents and in-laws, you have to do all of the above for them as well.
That’s the price of living in paradise.
Joking aside, folks, Im taking Ike seriously. Latest 5 day forecast has the eye right over ManCamp early next week.
I think, maybe, I should go out and get more beer.

10 thoughts on “The Val Guide to Hurricane Preparedness”

  1. Val, you forgot extra beer for your friends and neighbors who did not heed your warning! I was the block supplier of cold beer, wine and scotch after Andrew as none of them thought of it! They only bought water…..and how about the vienna sausages?

  2. Sounds like a single man’s camping list. HAHAHAHA. Y’all be safe out there. Latest prejection shows it hitting South Florida as a Cat 2.

  3. Ja ja ja, Val, this is hilarious but so accurate!
    Just a detail: I would add minimum of six cans of Bustelo and the biggest cafetera you can have (so the botton fits better in the camping stove). How can you resist a hurricane without a cafecito, like, every three hours?
    Now that I think about it, if I adjust a couple of details, I can perfectly print your list and post it in my fridge… you know, those months when truckloads of that white (s)… thing falls over here are getting closer, closer and closer.
    🙂

  4. Wow, all winter I bitch about the cold but during hurricane season I am very happy to be here in PA. Even in the 30 inches of snow we got in 1996’s blizzard we didn’t have to go through all of that. And, as long as you have food, a fireplace and wood here, you can ignore the fact that you can’t open your front door against the 5 foot snow drifts and you have to get on the roof to shovel the snow so it doesn’t cave in. Plus, it’s pretty and you can eat it if it’s not yellow.

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