An oldie but goodie

I get hundreds of these, but this one is by far the most comprehensive:
You know you are Cuban-American when:
In no particular order:
1) you have ever been hit by a “Chancleta. ”
2) you grew up scared by something called “El Coco”
3) others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.
4) you light a candle to Virgin Mary on the night before your big test.
5) you use your lips to point something out.
6) you constantly refer to cereal as “con fleys”.
7) your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it’s a one bedroom apartment.
8) you can dance merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music.
9) you use “margarina” instead of olive oil and can’t figure out why your butt is getting bigger.
10) you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a person is shouting “subanse, todavia caben!”
11) whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some “vapor rub” (vivaporu) all over your chest and inside your nostrils.
12) Your mom packs your “lonchera” every day even though you’ve just turned thirty-two.
13) you call the North Americans “gringos”, including Canadians, and call all Asian people “chinos” or “chinitos” and you call the corner store “the chinito store”.
14) you can have 5 different conversations at the dinner table and remember everything
15) you have un cafecito before going to sleep
17) you hang the cuban flag from your rear view mirror
16) on christmas you have ever gotten socks and underwear from your grandparents
17) you have been drinking cafecito for breakfast since you were in diapers
18) your mom or dad prononces “ch” like “sh” and “j” like”y”
ex: sherry, shop the onions, yellow yacket, yello
19) your grandpa brought puerco to every family event
20) you know for a fact that even if you weighed 800 pounds your abuela would still yell at you: “Ay Dios! Too skinny!” and proceed to put more food in front of you.
21) you’re convinced that iodine (mecumocrombo) will cure everything from a cut to a hangover
22) you feel compelled to offer food to anyone who walks in your door, and are heartbroken if they insist they aren’t hungry. But that’s ok, because you feed them anyways.
23) there is a portrait of Jose Marti hanging somewhere in your house along with a full map of Cuba.
24) you know what the Holy Leg of Pork is and it’s your favorite part of Noche Buena
25) when mixing with gringos you have to fight the urge to give them a kiss on the cheek hello or touch them in any way. Because for some reason that you can’t quite figure out, physical contact seems to scare the hell out of them or convince them you’re hitting on them.
26) you have 80 people you call your cousin, and no idea how you are actually related to any of them.
27) every time you meet another Cuban you do a mental run through to see if there is any way you’re related or any of you relations have ever met. Ever. You then proceed to talk about this for the next fifteen minutes.
28) every time you meet another cuban, you are instantly become good friends and act if you’ve known each other for a long time
29) the smell of Agustin Reyes “agua de violetas” brings back lots of memories
30) you have at least once been involved in some kindof ritual involving agua florida that your abuela found out would cure you of all your ills from the lady at la botanica
31) you run like hell when you see a coconut randomly on the street
32) it really pisses you off when people wear che guevara tshirts because you know what he was really about
33) you are the shit at dominoes and think that dominoes is the coolest game ever
34) when you walk in the house and the first thing to greet you is mama’s flying chancleta
35) “coño” is a way to describe pretty much any way you could possibly be feeling… sad, angry, happy, excited, nervous, etc.
36)You know the meaning of ”no da pie con bola”
37) You have ever left grass for the camels on the night of january 6th instead of cookies and milk for santa on christmas eve.
38) You have ever used your nose or lips to point something out.
39) You have ever drop food on the floor, picked it up, and ate it after saying ”lo que no mata engorda”
40) Your house has all of those little figurines that take every inch of space in the house, and you have either one of the following: a porcelain cat, dog, or elephant in your living room
41) You just cant imagine anyone not liking CuBaN food.
42) You have at least 30 cousins
43) You consider platanos to be a food group
44) You constantly say.. ”En cuba eso era mejor, en cuba no pasa eso”
45) You have been seen on channel 7 shouting ”No castro no problem”
46) Your idea of formal is wearing a ”guayabera”
47) Your favorite words are ”Oye” or ”Ven aca” when you are right next to a person.
48) Your tradition is to kill a pig and roast it in your back yard on christmas eve.
49) You are registered Republican
50) You have used the words ” Acere, mi socio, consorte, oye men, chico” within the last week
51) Your favorite milkshakes flavors are ”mamey, papaya, or guanabana”
52) Your favorite sunday sport is dominoes
53) You constantly say.. ”Fidel se mata este año”
54) You have been in the USA for 10 years and still dont speak english
55) You buy a lotto ticket every saturday
56) You go to your family or friend`s funeral to tell jokes and socialize
57) You pay money you dont have for your daughter`s ”quinces”
58) You look forward to ”Sabado Gigante” every saturday
59) You clean your teeth with a toothpick in public after eating
60) You tell your wife ”mami, hazme cafe y traeme agua”
61) You say ”La vaquita” instead of farm stores
62) You dont believe in ”brujeria” but respect it anyways
63) You use redundant expresions like ”Me cago en la mierda”
64) You have use of the word ”Jeva”
65) You have a particular passion for wrist watches
66) You call publix; ”el puble”
67) Your furniture is still with the plastic cover
68) You know how to sing ”el yerberito” of Celia Cruz
69) You grew up thinking that going swimming after lunch could cause you a ”sirimba” , so it was best to wait at least 3 or 4 hours.
70) When your mom gets mad she yells ”Me cago en la madre que te pario”
71) To describe a place that`s far away you say it`s ”en casa del carajo”
72) You cut of words at the end but still like to criticize boricuas.
73) Theres a big picture of your daughter`s ”quince” along with everybody`s wedding picture or communion in the living room.
74) Theres a little bucket next to the sink in the bathroom.
75) You know why Hialeah is ” La ciudad que progresa”
76) If you refer to your mother, sister, cousins, girlfriend, wife and every female in your life as ”mami” “Mama” or “Mamita
77) By popular demand…If at every family function there is always a side of arroz con gri
78) You have a cake and sing happy birthday to Jesus on Christmas eve
79) Your whole family is running on “Cuban time”
80) Even when you have glass doors for your shower, you still put up a shower curtain
81) for breakfast, lunch, and dinner you have a side of rice
82) your papa has ever worked at a cigar factory and came home smelling like sweet tobacco (RIP Louis Carlos Carrera)
83) it’s perfectlyacceptable for every member of the media, political opponent, cultural minority, or anyone in particular to criticize, denigrate and demean you

6 thoughts on “An oldie but goodie”

  1. I got a kick out of “el puble” (I say publi) my gringo husband always says it like that to make fun of us.
    I don’t know 75
    I didn’t know about 78.
    Are you sure about 80? People do that?

  2. Nurian, my family does #78 and we have the youngest member blow out the candles at midnight. It is a family tradition passed on from generation to generation. We bake the cake ourselves with the help of the kids and then we all decorate it together, making it a “one of a kind” cake every year that reflects each of our personalities. Of couse I also contribute the chocolate decorations!

  3. 80 nurian? Seen it done.
    I had seen a similar list before, b/c many of these are generalizable to Caribbeans, in particular Puerto Rico – like the chancleta, using your lips to point, having 5 conversations going on…..

  4. Orgullosa, I can go along with 78 all day long … cake rules man!
    littlewindow: I was thinking of it and I think I’ve see curtains covering the shower door on the outside (I was thinking it would be inside) … like to make it “pretty” – they also have a bunch of stuff on the walls.
    I was born and raised in Cuba, but live in Atlanta, so of course the culture is not as vibrant here.
    So, why is it that Hialeah progresa?

  5. I think it was due to all the factories and an effort to get people to move to Hialeah to live that they started touting it as “la ciudad que progresa”.
    However don’t quote me on this, others may know better.

  6. Wow, this really made me laugh. I needed that laugh today. During my teen-age years Number 1 was something experienced a lot.
    Also number 70.
    But once my dad used it on me and Mima had him on the couch for a week.
    Her words to him were” como puedes ser tan descarado”
    And his to her were ” Mami…te lo juro por los huesos de mi madre.. fue sin querer”
    Mima would also get really pissed at me if she would punish me for something and I would say to her….”ma…te lo juro por los huesOs de mi madre, I wont do it again. give me a break. Tranquilizate.” Number one would come flying at me.

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