***BREAKING NEWS***
News has just been released that President Barack Obama has appointed the embattled and disgraced climate scientologist, Michael Mann, as the latest addition to his administration’s long list of Czars. Sources close to the story have revealed that Michael Mann resigned his position at Penn State University late yesterday afternoon in order to become President Obama’s Czar for Daily Presidential Tracking Polls.
In a statement released by the White House late last night, President Obama said, “Professor Mann is the perfect choice for this very important position.” In an apparent effort to defuse the controversy currently surrounding the scandal-ridden climate scientologist, the President went on to say that “his [Professor Mann] extensive experience in the manipulation of figures to bring about a predetermined and desired outcome will allow us to better concentrate on the business we came here to do without having to worry what the American people are saying or thinking.”
According to the White House statement, Professor Michael Mann’s main responsibility will be to analyze the figures of the daily presidential tracking polls conducted by various polling organizations in the country and then adjust the graphs accordingly to reflect a more desired result. “This country needs a popular and effective leader, even if we have to make one up,” the White House statement said in conclusion.
Citing as an excuse his well-known history for not having a clue about much of anything, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs refused to answer some of the more pointed questions posed by reporters regarding the new Czar selection at this morning’s press briefing. Secretary Gibbs, however, did say that “it is no secret that the administration was very impressed by Professor Mann’s ‘trick.'”
He went on to announce that the Administration was wasting no time in getting the new Czar working.
“The president’s new Czar has already begun working on bringing hope and change back to the forefront of America. We are well aware that in these uncertain times, the last thing America needs is to be bombarded with facts. Professor Mann’s hockey stick will help Americans get back in touch with the touchy-feely fantasy they enjoyed after last year’s election.”
After the briefing, White House personnel passed out the first product of Presidential Daily Tracking Poll Czar, Michael Mann. (See below)
Brilliant!
That’s a solid “A” effort Alberto. Well done.
Wish I thought of that.