Shocking! From our Solar Eclipse Bureau:
Today, Raul Castro attempted to view the solar eclipse with binoculars.
The damage done to this Revolutionary Cuban leader was immediate and dramatic.
King Raul could be visually impaired for the rest of his life and also emit a glow that will blind anyone who looks at him.
Blame has been placed on the U.S. Embassy in Havana, which gave Raul “special” eclipse binoculars as a gift.
“This is obviously an unacceptable retaliatory response by American imperialists to all those false news stories about an acoustic attack on U.S. Embassy personnel,” said Foreign Minister Bruno Rodriguez.
A spokesperson from the U.S. Embassy in Havana said that the State Department is considering several suspects who might have switched the “special” binoculars after they arrived at King Raul’s palace.
Oddly enough, according to CNN, the top suspect on the State Department’s list is Pope Francis.
An anonymous source at the U.S. Embassy said: “You know how devious papists are… especially when a Jesuit is their pope… they’re NOT to be trusted… what else can you expect from a church that is the Seat of the Antichrist and a consort of the Whore of Babylon? Papists are actually worse than the North Koreans!”
A Vatican spokesperson denied the charges, but did say: “You know, King Raul is such a nice man, like all socialists and communists. Whoever did this to him will burn in Hell for sure.”