Evil genius Emperor Joe Biden demands thirty-trillion dollar ransom for chihuahua stolen from Cuban ex-spy

You’re traveling through another dimension — a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind — crossing over into a wondrous alternate universe whose boundaries transcend human imagination. That’s a signpost up ahead: your next stop: the Cuban Multiverse Zone . . .

On this very same day, 15 August 2023, in a parallel universe, the Emperor of North America — who has found the secret of eternal youth — reveals that he has kidnapped a chihuahua beloved by a Cuban ex-spy who is now King of the Caribbean. The Emperor demands an outrageous amount of money in exchange for the little dog, hoping to bankrupt the Caribbean kingdom. His ultimate goal, as ever, is to claim control of all of Latrine America and appoint his son Hunter as Viceroy at the capital city of Medellin, where he will find an infinite supply of crack cocaine and prostitutes.

Meanwhile, Darth Vader, chair of the Emperor’s Joint Chiefs of Staff, is arranging for an exchange of money and dog at First Son Hunter Biden’s favorite Las Vegas brothel.

After the money and dog exchange hands, Emperor Biden has ordered Darth Vader to behead Canadian ex-president Justin Trudeau and his close associate Jabba the Hut, who have been rotting in prison for the past ten years, awaiting trial for charges of criminal insolence and acts of cultural appropriation deemed offensive by various transgalactic minorities, including Klingons, Ewoks, and Tralfamadorians.