A guest post by Dr. Jorge Perez-Velasco
Fidel appeared to me in a dream last night. I hardly recognized him. He looked like he had been out in the sun for way too long. I told him how surprised I was to see him and asked how he was allowed to return to the world of the living. He said he was on a weekend furlough from Purgatory and had a message to share with Cuba.
I nervously asked what he did in Purgatory, and he reported Lucifer had ordered him to give 12-hour long speeches to torture people in Purgatory. How horrid, a shudder ran down my spine. Turns out Lucifer himself got sick of listening to Fidel and ordered him out with orders to return Monday.
Fidel bragged that Lucifer was very fond of him for making Cuba a little hell on earth. Fidel then said Cuba needed to send 10,000 infantry soldiers to Belarus to assist Russia with their war in Ukraine.
He then went into a long monologue, which I translated the best I could below:
The war in Ukraine offers Cuba a superb opportunity to solve its food storage, housing issues, electricity production shortfall, its lack of cash, the low utilization rate of luxury hotels and most importantly of all its inability to provide a daily bread roll to all citizens. In addition, it will help repair all the damage inflicted upon Cuba’s international image post July 11th.
Since all Cuban males get two years of military training. Cuban men have learned eight different ways to kill with their bare hands. They are expert marksmen with multiple weapons. They all have mortar and heavy artillery training. Along with the ten thousand infantry soldiers, Cuba should also deploy a female division to fill the need for support personnel. With 20,000 fewer Cubans in Cuba, you would free up 2,000 apartments for those living in substandard housing. There would likewise be 20,000 fewer mouths to feed, along with less water usage, electricity demand, and do not forget 20,000 less bread rolls PER DAY.
I was a military genius in life, as evidenced by my always wearing a green military combat uniform. My military skills are plainly evident by my victories in the Bay of Pigs War, the War of Grenada, and the Angolan War. I have a perfect record of victories and will be able to lead Cuban forces from beyond the grave to give the Cuban division victory over western Ukraine. This will free the Ukrainian people and allow them to return to being a part of the Russian Federation. It will bring honor and glory to Cuba, which is sorely needed at this time due to the muy comemierda Diaz-Canal. Most importantly, it will be an attack on our mortal enemy, the imperialistic demons to the north.
Lastly, it will provide a way for thousands of Cuban people to have a good life. Not everyone can afford a plane trip to Nicaragua and then a trip to the northern Mexican border. Also, how can any Cuban pass up a $2,000 dollar signing bonus and a salary of $2,000 a month. Imaginate compadre! Some would say, the risk is too great. Not to worry. I have a solution for that too. The Cubans selected for this new army will be men over forty years of age. At that point, most Cuban men have realized the revolution is BS and commit suicide. Each soldier will be given the rank of either a Master Sergeant or a Major. They will all be Special Forces.
The icing on the cake for the soldiers will be that each can bring back to Cuba a beautiful blond Ukrainian. It will be easy since their life under Russian rule will be a living hell. The women will work in the luxury hotels in Havana as hostesses. One per room should be enough to get people (or at least men) to finally travel to Cuba.
As he was leaving, I noticed Fidel dropped something. Apparently his nose had fallen off. I reminded him to use plenty of sun block.