So far, the new bed has cost about $4,000 (Updated)

On a typical SoFla morning a little over two months ago, my wife and I awoke with excruciating backaches. The deadly combination of an old mattress, my (almost) fifty years and her almost [disclosure prohibited by Federal Law] years, the culprit. We decided then and there to buy a new bed, maybe a SelectComfort, maybe a TemperPedic, and some new bedroom furniture. But a new bed we needed badly. So we went shopping that weekend and found a great bed at SelectComfort. A little expensive but, we thought, well worth it to ease the vicissitudes of el almanaque.

When we got back from bed shopping, my wife and I started talking about the condition of the bedroom. The other rooms had been painted recently and upgraded with marble window sills; ours was still the unkempt orphan of the house. So we decided that, before making the expense of the bed and the new bedroom furniture, we had to paint the room and upgrade the sills to match the rest of the house. We were able to get that work done in May — two weeks before Cuba Nostalgia — once the weekend schedule of His Imperial Majesty eased up a little. After that little adventure we had a beautifully upgraded bedroom — and still no new bed.

Upon reviewing the newly painted room and marble sills, we decided that the carperting was getting a little long in the tooth. So we discussed new flooring. New carpeting? No f—ing way! I’m sick of how dirty carpets get and how difficult they are to keep clean. Wood? Way too expensive. Pergo? Maybe. Tile? Hmmm. I’ve always liked tile floors. So two weeks ago on Memorial Day weekend we decided to go tile shopping. On our visit to the second of the myriad local tile stores we planned to visit, we found the tile we wanted and ordered tile for the whole house. Every last square inch, including our closets. No more carpets, no more vacuum cleaners, no more liquid carpet cleaners. The installation is starting today and should be done by Thursday. We spent yesterday and Saturday moving most of our stuff into a POD (http://www.pods.com) and removing baseboards with a hammer and screwdriver. To say we are tired would be an understatement. But at least the house is ready for the crew to pull the carpeting and install our beautiful new porcelain tile over the next few days.

Maybe next month, if we have the strength to get out of our old bed, we’ll finally buy a new bed.

Update 11:00AM: It seems that what we thought was a concrete floor turned out to be the house’s original vinyl tiling circa 1950-something. We finally found something older than me in the house. For an additional cost, the gentlemen are jackammering the floor in the living room, dining room, kitchen, and hallway to remove said tile to the bare concrete. I could not be more thrilled. And my bourbon is next door with my neighbor. Life is cruel.

Update 12:15PM: Our esteemed Editor-in-Chief came by with a pizza and saved me from climbing over a table to crack open the refrigerator. Thanks, dude.

Update 1:23PM: The jackhammering has stopped for a while. I’ll be starting the IV drip of valium again in a few moments.

A little Bolivia humor at castro’s expense

You know those barfy little Chavista logos, seen on any Venezuelan government propaganda and on walls all over Caracas, too, that say ‘Ahora es de todos‘ and show a little grade-school-level picture of Venezuelans supposedly jumping up and down for joy over the new state of things now that castro has gotten control of their country? They look like this:

chavistapropaganda

Now the Bolivians have stepped in and done one for their country, which has also fallen under the castro shadow. Miguel has the cartoon here.

Dig the Chavez burglar picture! Eeeeuw!

Some Saturday humor

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you. We have some Cubans up here who are causing problems. My flute is missing, mojo sauce is all over the place, they are making guayaberas from their robes, they have domino tables in the cafeteria, and they’re wearing baseball caps instead of their halos. They refuse to stop making Cuban coffee on the heaven’s stairs, and some of them are walking around with just one wing.”

The Lord said, “Cubans are Cubans, Peter. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.”

The devil answered the phone, “Hello? damn, hold on a minute.” The devil returned to the phone, “OK, I’m back. What can I do for you?” Peter replied, “I just want to know what kind of problems you’re having down there?” The devil said, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.”

After about five minutes the devil returned to the phone and said, “I’m back. Now what was the question?” Peter said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?” The devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this. Hold on.” This time the devil was gone 15 minutes.

The devil returned and said, “I’m sorry Peter, I can’t talk right now. Those damn Cubans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.”

* * *

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” The rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes, when he said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

Some Saturday humor

A New Element

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.” Governmntium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.” When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium – an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

(H/T Tony Sporl)

The International Rules of Manhood

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss’ car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model and only when it’s free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

New Rules

Something I received in my inbox yesterday. The Starbucks item is my favorite; I always order coffee, black.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn!

New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout? Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we’re done.

New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavored water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some bourbon over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavored water.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a “decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one NutraSweet,” ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to “beef with broccoli.” The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They’re already doing that. It’s called “The Howard Stern Show.”

New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s a version of looting.

New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell if he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to know in months. “27 Months.” “He’s two,” will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.

Tenjewberrymuds

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review. (You will understand what ‘tenjewberrymuds’ means by the end of the conversation.)

Room Service (RS): “Morrin. Roon sirbees.”

Guest (G): “Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service.”

RS: “Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??”

G: “Uh..yes..I’d like some bacon and eggs.”

RS: “Ow July den?”

G: “What??”

RS: “Ow July den?…pryed, boyud, poochd?”

G: “Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.”

RS: “Ow July dee baykem? Crease?”

G: “Crisp will be fine.”

RS: “Hokay. An Sahn toes?”

G: “What?”

RS: “An toes. July Sahn toes?”

G: “I don’t think so.”

RS: “No? Judo wan sahn toes??”

G: “I feel really bad about this, but I don’t know what ‘judo wan sahn toes means.”

RS: “Toes! toes!…Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?”

G: “English muffin!! I’ve got it! You were saying ‘Toast.’ Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine.”

RS: “We bodder?”

G: “No…just put the bodder on the side.”

RS: “Wad?”

G: “I mean butter…just put it on the side.”

RS: “Copy?”

G: “Excuse me?”

RS: “Copy…tea…meel?”

G: “Yes. Coffee, please, and that’s all.”

RS: “One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy….rye??”

G: “Whatever you say.”

RS: “Tenjewberrymuds.”

G: “You’re very welcome.”