Insults with class

I love a good insult. Maybe it’s a result of watching Don Rickles too much on the Tonight Show growing up. So I’d like to share some of my favorites. Winston Churchill, God love ‘im, was a master at the putdown. So I’ll just direct the second insult on the list to a couple of local bloggers of my (virtual) acquaintance…

  • “He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” –Winston Churchill
  • “A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” –Winston Churchill
  • “I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” –Clarence Darrow
  • “He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” –William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
  • “Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?” –Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
  • “Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” –Moses Hadas
  • “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” –Oscar Wilde
  • “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend… if you have one.” –George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
  • “Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” –Winston Churchill, in response
  • “He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” –John Bright
  • “I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” –Irvin S. Cobb
  • “He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” –Samuel Johnson
  • “There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” –Jack E. Leonard
  • “He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them.” –James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
  • “In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” –Charles, Count Talleyrand
  • “He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” –Forrest Tucker
  • “Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” –Mark Twain
  • “His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” –Mae West

Elian writes to castro

This is a few days old but it’s still pretty funny – our pal Boli-Nica has an excellent photoshop and link to Elian’s probable “letter” to the Beast at this site here.


You vil lik zis…

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords ! kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

(H/T Karen M)

* * *

And to the “journalist” in Dallas who wrote last week that the Heat were not a “worthy opponent” I have two words for you:

Dwayne Wade.

So far, the new bed has cost about $4,000 (Updated)

On a typical SoFla morning a little over two months ago, my wife and I awoke with excruciating backaches. The deadly combination of an old mattress, my (almost) fifty years and her almost [disclosure prohibited by Federal Law] years, the culprit. We decided then and there to buy a new bed, maybe a SelectComfort, maybe a TemperPedic, and some new bedroom furniture. But a new bed we needed badly. So we went shopping that weekend and found a great bed at SelectComfort. A little expensive but, we thought, well worth it to ease the vicissitudes of el almanaque.

When we got back from bed shopping, my wife and I started talking about the condition of the bedroom. The other rooms had been painted recently and upgraded with marble window sills; ours was still the unkempt orphan of the house. So we decided that, before making the expense of the bed and the new bedroom furniture, we had to paint the room and upgrade the sills to match the rest of the house. We were able to get that work done in May — two weeks before Cuba Nostalgia — once the weekend schedule of His Imperial Majesty eased up a little. After that little adventure we had a beautifully upgraded bedroom — and still no new bed.

Upon reviewing the newly painted room and marble sills, we decided that the carperting was getting a little long in the tooth. So we discussed new flooring. New carpeting? No f—ing way! I’m sick of how dirty carpets get and how difficult they are to keep clean. Wood? Way too expensive. Pergo? Maybe. Tile? Hmmm. I’ve always liked tile floors. So two weeks ago on Memorial Day weekend we decided to go tile shopping. On our visit to the second of the myriad local tile stores we planned to visit, we found the tile we wanted and ordered tile for the whole house. Every last square inch, including our closets. No more carpets, no more vacuum cleaners, no more liquid carpet cleaners. The installation is starting today and should be done by Thursday. We spent yesterday and Saturday moving most of our stuff into a POD ( and removing baseboards with a hammer and screwdriver. To say we are tired would be an understatement. But at least the house is ready for the crew to pull the carpeting and install our beautiful new porcelain tile over the next few days.

Maybe next month, if we have the strength to get out of our old bed, we’ll finally buy a new bed.

Update 11:00AM: It seems that what we thought was a concrete floor turned out to be the house’s original vinyl tiling circa 1950-something. We finally found something older than me in the house. For an additional cost, the gentlemen are jackammering the floor in the living room, dining room, kitchen, and hallway to remove said tile to the bare concrete. I could not be more thrilled. And my bourbon is next door with my neighbor. Life is cruel.

Update 12:15PM: Our esteemed Editor-in-Chief came by with a pizza and saved me from climbing over a table to crack open the refrigerator. Thanks, dude.

Update 1:23PM: The jackhammering has stopped for a while. I’ll be starting the IV drip of valium again in a few moments.

A little Bolivia humor at castro’s expense

You know those barfy little Chavista logos, seen on any Venezuelan government propaganda and on walls all over Caracas, too, that say ‘Ahora es de todos‘ and show a little grade-school-level picture of Venezuelans supposedly jumping up and down for joy over the new state of things now that castro has gotten control of their country? They look like this:


Now the Bolivians have stepped in and done one for their country, which has also fallen under the castro shadow. Miguel has the cartoon here.

Dig the Chavez burglar picture! Eeeeuw!

Some Saturday humor

St. Peter came to the Lord and said, “I have to talk to you. We have some Cubans up here who are causing problems. My flute is missing, mojo sauce is all over the place, they are making guayaberas from their robes, they have domino tables in the cafeteria, and they’re wearing baseball caps instead of their halos. They refuse to stop making Cuban coffee on the heaven’s stairs, and some of them are walking around with just one wing.”

The Lord said, “Cubans are Cubans, Peter. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil.”

The devil answered the phone, “Hello? damn, hold on a minute.” The devil returned to the phone, “OK, I’m back. What can I do for you?” Peter replied, “I just want to know what kind of problems you’re having down there?” The devil said, “Hold on again. I need to check on something.”

After about five minutes the devil returned to the phone and said, “I’m back. Now what was the question?” Peter said, “What kind of problems are you having down there?” The devil said, “Man, I don’t believe this. Hold on.” This time the devil was gone 15 minutes.

The devil returned and said, “I’m sorry Peter, I can’t talk right now. Those damn Cubans have put out the fire and are trying to install air conditioning.”

* * *

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” The rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain
celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes, when he said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

Some Saturday humor

A New Element

A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Governmentium.” Governmntium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.” When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium – an element which radiates just as much energy as the Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

(H/T Tony Sporl)